The most decisive statement I can make about myself is that I am precisely not.
Call it what you will: ambivalence, indulgence, youth.
I’m stacked as an assembly of contradictory, contrasting bricks, much like the Hanseatic architecture I became so fond of those two years spent in Bremen.
The blueprint goes as so:
empathic but stubborn, (light brick, dark brick)
curious but distractible, (row then column)
passionate but indolent, (a window pane, a doorway)
this but that, (a building, a body).
The idea is to strike a bargain with myself, to build a body I can manage and be proud of. I want to have a structure that can withstand blows and adapt to change.
Be kind to me, ontology.
I sometimes catch myself being quite absentminded and it’s a major source of stress or perhaps a consequence of stress, hen or egg, who knows (?), but I do know that organizing my thoughts by theme will help, will soothe, will make me better.
I’m not sure what I want to do (in that Big Way 20-somethings are meant to assert) but I know, for all my tenuous habits, what I like.
I like science, zoology and human biology, but human bodies and how they are located within and as social constructs dominate my time. I once delved into neuroscience academically, those two years spent in Bremen, but now I study philosophy of science and within this field I see promise. I see the recognition of both our limitations and potential, I see thinkers grounded to production and dreamers driven to abstraction, I see cruelty, avarice, isolation and I see kindness, generosity, and community.
I see contradiction and from it stems the promise to be better.
There is a want – I want – to be better.
Banner illustration by Daehyun Kim, aka moonassi